Still Smarting

Well, what it is, I've had to quit all my WendWriter accounts. There's nothing to follow any more, okay? I won't be adding to or updating anything here again. The reason is, whatever the law says, in practice, if you're being stalked online, you're on your own. No-one gives a damn. According to my research, even if you're rich, it's actually more trouble than it's worth to track down the trolls, get them to court and make them stop. If they want to come after you, they will, and there's nothing anyone is willing to do about it. 

The usual advice is, "Just ignore them." That's coward/couldn't-care-less for "Tolerate them. We do." I didn't know that till I found out the hard way. People would rather blame me, the victim, for being the subject of a slander campaign that spread across unknown numbers of websites. I'm told there are at least four. The point is, when you've got that much heat on, people would rather throw you to the wolves or walk away than offer support because they don't want that stuff coming their way. While it's hard to blame them, it's not much of an excuse. Even my so-called friends "have their doubts." I can't continue relationships in which I'm basically on probation, so forget it, I'm out. I've cut contact with them and banned them from all my stuff because I've had it with their cowardice and lack of support. Friends are supposed to stick by you, aren't they? Heaven knows I stuck by them when it counted. I'm not chasing after anyone who will not do the same for me. I'm worth more than that, and if I'm not, I should be. If I give loyalty (and Heaven knows I did), I expect to get it.

Forget about updates for my fanfiction stories. Ain't gonna happen. Anything linked to my ff.net account will not be linked to other sources, nor will I post stuff in Google Docs. As long as it is okay for people to stalk, harass and slander other people with impunity, I won't be a part of those places. I certainly won't continue to use a penname that attracts the wrong kind of attention.

The fact is, the only way to beat trolls sometimes is not to ignore/tolerate or even go troll yourself. If you don't want to be driven off the internet altogether, just quit your usual haunts and start all over again elsewhere. Thank goodness I don't do anything public with my real name. I can be naive sometimes, but I'm not that bloody stupid. 

They do know my real name, of course. One of my so-called friends turned on me and joined them. No doubt she passed that information on to make it easier for them to stalk me. I find that easy to believe because she brought up a load of trivial issues that could have and should have been dealt with in private and published them in an "Open Letter to Wendy" on at least four websites. I mean, one of the things she had against me was the number of stories I had posted on an archive website. I admit I get critical about stuff sometimes, but the number of stories posted on an archive? WTF? I'm not going to return the "favour." I'm better than that.

"I won't give up on you if you don't give up on me," my arse! If she can do that, what can't she do? At what point would she say, "No, I wouldn't sink that low"? Honestly, I don't want to know. I wouldn't stoop to name her here. She knows who she is, and the stalkers will see to it that she finds out about this post. I  presume they'll present it with their usual agit-prop analysis. They hover like starving vultures over my e-spaces, waiting for updates so they can post comments about them on their usual haunts, presenting me as a monster or object of derision and inviting others to add their own (usually negative) opinions. This policy, carried out on any number of websites and forums, led to repeated trolling on my ff.net forum, and is the main reason people have turned against me. I once read someone's comment that they'd trolled me because they were sick of hearing about me. Well, I'm not responsible for their having heard about me, am I? Hell, no. People like that just want a target and an excuse to go after that target. They sided with my stalkers for providing them with one.

Other things I wouldn't stoop to include the publication of a compromising email in which she made a voting pact with me for a writing contest we took part in last year. Damn, I'm tempted to screencap it and publish it. It wouldn't matter for my part, since I'm never taking part in the Tolkien fandom contests I formerly did (yes, I agreed to it and yes, I did the same thing), but if she is, it would sink her. I'm a better person than that, so it's staying in my email archive until I either delete it or find a good enough reason to put it up where everyone can see it. Oh, but she would SO deserve it. What's holding me back?  Everyone else does it. She'd only get punished for being dobbed in. What about the others who do it?

Apparently, she thinks I owe her something, but anything I ever owed her has been utterly negated by her appalling behaviour. I can't be bothered to find out if she ever comes to regret what she did and I doubt I'll find out because I don't go to those sites any more. Besides, I've banned her from my stuff. I don't want to hear from her again because she's got nothing to say that I want to know about. I understand that all those people have made themselves unpopular because their slander campaign has forced me out of fandom, but that's their problem -- it's certainly not my fault. I didn't force them to run around making negative comments everywhere and demand that others join them. Credit where it's due to those who refused to do so.

I should point out that there are some decent people with whom I continue to have dealings, but obviously I can't make the details public. Thanks for sticking by me, friends.

I tell you, if anyone ever comes to you whining about another person and how they did them wrong, tell them to just ban them and forget about it. Refuse to fight their battles for them. That has always been my policy.  I don't get involved with campaigns against people to make negative comments about them and encourage others to think badly of them, and I side with the underdog on principle. This tends to get me into trouble in a world where I'm expected to join in the feeding frenzy when someone is a target. Whether I agree with the target or not, I don't like the feeding frenzy thing and I'll never get involved in one. This is one of the issues they have with me. Standing with a target apparently puts me in league with her. Whatever! I don't approve of ED articles inviting people to abuse or commit abuse against others, whether they are pregnant or not, okay? Just sayin'. And if that makes me a bad guy, so be it. I reserve the right to complain about such behaviour against myself, or indeed other people, but I don't go looking for people to agree with me in public.

The most I'd do on someone else's behalf is to ban the people they have issues with from my stuff. That's it. If you don't take this advice, you may find yourself dragged into something that ultimately pulls you and a lot of other people down, and you might never recover. And you'll appear to drop IQ points. I've seen that before. That's the trouble with publicly bullying someone or expressing support for others who do: you don't half spout rubbish at those times! Did you know I have at least one power base? Yeah... that was from someone I used to be reasonably friendly with, who took to hanging out with them. She turned against the subject of the ED article, whom she called herself a friend of, at about the same time. Ah, such loyalty!

They've got a knack for making people see me as an ugly, twisted, monstrous creature, particularly if we got on well before. That's the thing I find hard to understand. Total strangers coming at me like rabid rottweilers, now -- that's insane, but a standard thing with them. It's one of those things I used to have to put up with on ff.net. People I'd never heard of would come to my e-spaces and freak out at me for real and imaginary -- mostly imaginary offences. The real stuff was old -- and trivial. I'm a known puppy-killer sporker and flamer, don't you know -- stuff I quit doing years ago. Yeah. Evil, right here. It's all documented on my Livejournal blog, which is linked in my blogroll in the sidebar.

Well, I quit, not out of fear, but because having to deal with the fallout of "Wendy is EEEEEVILLLL!!!1one1eleventyone!!" and "Wendy bans people who disagree with her!"  (apparently, this is on the level of eating newborn babies or something) and "Wendy won't let me win prizes in her contest!" has burned me out. I was able to take it when I had some support, but with none, it's not worth it. As an acquaintance of mine put it once, "Anyone who is so quick to believe bad things about you was never your friend." Well, I can't be bothered to associate with people who don't care about me, so toodles!

There's nothing more to report or offer an opinion on, fandom-wise. As for the internet, people do what they like until someone finds a way to call them to account for it. I can't afford the expense, so I'll have to leave it. The fandom sites I used to post on are no-go areas now because I've seen for myself that there's nothing for me there. Certainly not friendship or even fellowship. I've got little in common with the self-serving cowards and hypocrites who demanded that I reward abusers with online prizes for my contests. Would they do the same thing? The last person I asked that question of wouldn't give me a straight answer. She kept changing the subject when put on the spot. I don't do that. If I'm asked a question directly, I'll answer it directly and without making excuses or trivializing anything. The only time I won't is when I'm expected to take part in an online slanging match which is basically an invitation to be mobbed. I've seen them do it before. I want no part of it. Besides, I don't have to answer to them for anything.

You've got to love people who claim they have no time for drama, but associate with drama-mongers and support their campaigns, piling in on top of me to berate me without checking the facts first, then stonewalling or flipping out when I point out the provable facts to them. And don't get me started on the one who told me I should f-lock a post on my LJ proving my points, and completely ignored the content thereof. They're welcome to each other. There's nothing in fandom that interests me now. The whole experience has been like eating and enjoying a chocolate fudge cake, then getting to the middle and discovering a dead mouse in there. I've been put right off.

If you think I'm overreacting, wait till it's your turn, and see if the usual platitudes will comfort you any more than they did me. To be a target is to be alone, but you're only a target if you're visible. I refuse to be a target. Not any more.

I've left my stuff up to remind the people in the know that there was a fanfiction writer called Wendy, and that they allowed her to be driven offline when they could have and should have done something about it. And I'm not the only one. I want them to read this and be ashamed of their cowardice and complicity. And I want to remind them that, if it can happen to someone as visible as I was, it can happen to any one of them -- and they'll get about the same amount of help and support than I did: none. I presume they knew that already when the latest round of slander and wank went off, but what does that tell you about who they are? Who the Hell spends any amount of time with people they know full well don't give a damn about them? Not me.  I don't get that, and want no part of it. And that's why this is the last post I'm making here.

Just sayin'.

The light from yonder window

So I got into a discussion with someone about all the drama, and she told me a few home truths. Some I took on board, others I rejected. She's beginning to understand it, which is good, though she certainly hasn't taken sides or anything. We parted on friendly enough terms.

I took my own advice about not trying to alter people's perceptions of their friends, and we danced around the issues before coming to the conclusion that my problem is not about something that happened last year, it's about what's happening now. 

We've agreed to a) agree to disagree and b) to drop the subject. 

The beauty of having it out on my other blog is that people who are "just curious" and "want to give their two cents" can see for themselves what the arguments and issues are. Which means an end to the drip, drip, drip that is fanfic drama because there are no further arguments to make. I'll bury the contentious posts under harmless stuff and it'll soon blow over and be forgotten about. Until the next time.

I guess one of the advantages of it coming out to such a large and different audience is that the false perceptions of me have been exposed and corrected. Never again will any of the people I respect and admire simply take it as read that I'll ban someone for just disagreeing with me. Not after having the discussions we've had in which that lie has been blown out of the water. The old "rename file" thing has also been exposed. I absolutely hate "it's not this, it's that." When the effects are the same, call it what you like but a bucket of water is a bucket of water, and when it gets thrown over you, you're wet! I won't accept "It was  just a small receptacle and you only got a little damp." Getting that truth laid out has led to a bit of peace and quiet, which I'm glad about.

I am very grateful to the kind, friendly people who have pointed me towards a compromise I can live with. Being open about being restrictive may alienate some people, but I can live with that if they can allow me to do it instead of making a huge fuss about it.

That fuss is dying down, and it's beginning to go away, thank goodness. 

...The fire still burns

Well, per the suggestions of some decent, kind-hearted people, I've elected to restructure the Golden Quill Awards so that it's obvious what my stance is. I honestly believed I could call it open and ban certain people from participating, but they were determined to get their claws into it and disrupt it if they weren't allowed on. The result is, I've been forced to be upfront about something I was hoping to keep private.

The kind-hearted well-meaning people all asked me how I'd feel if a writer I liked was excluded from participation in an awards scheme.

For the record, 

I'd accept the mod's decision without question, however much I liked that particular writer, and I wouldn't insult the mod by nominating someone I knew he or she had an issue with. I certainly wouldn't publish a private email or go here, there and everywhere to complain about the mod. I'd leave things as they were and stay out of it in order to protect my view of the writer I liked.

This is what the drama is all about, of course. Some people have been dishonest in asking me for my side of the story, then dismissed or trivialized my comments in order to protect their view of the people at issue. I wouldn't even ask if I didn't want to know because, despite what some people say about me, I do in fact have integrity.

I haven't been particularly specific when making my complaints about the people I've got problems with because I don't see a need so ruin someone's reputation. Those people can do it perfectly well themselves. The fact that their supporters/enablers see nothing wrong with such conduct says a lot about them. It's funny, I showed one such person the forum posts I took exception to. She said they were only venting their frustrations. When I showed her the same conversations reproduced outside of that environment, her comments were scathing. Mind you, she thought I'd generated them. Double standards, much?

Yes, it's sneaky to do things like that, but when people are dishonest with me and I want the truth, that's what I'll do. Why? To keep the liars out of my life. It's less hassle when I only have to deal with honest people who value integrity. I'd rather have no friends than a fairweather bunch who ditch me at the first sign of trouble. So yes, I expose them and show them what I've found, they don't like it, then I shut them out because they finally admit that they don't respect me and won't change their minds. I wouldn't have to do that if they'd simply tell me in the first place what the score is instead of trying to make me think well of them. I've actually got tons more respect for people who honestly snarl at me than those who smile, then stab me in the back. Stab me in the front if you're going to stab me, damn it!

Well a few positive things have come out of this mess:

1. I know exactly who my friends are because the people who are aware of this have polarised.

2. The liars have been exposed and shut out.

3. My contention that giving prizes to people who behave badly encourages that behaviour has been proved to my satisfaction by the very people who contend that awards programs should be separate from internet issues. They are tightly connected and affected by the awards programs. To wit, prizewinners get credibility and a licence to abuse while their targets are frozen out. Meanwhile, everybody looks the other way because it's not on their e-spaces and therefore not their problem, which facilitates this. 

4. The widespread practice of appeasement has been exposed. It's being debated in some corners. Whether this will have the desired outcome is unclear yet, but some people have been very honest about their reluctance to play internet judge and jury in such matters. I can't possibly blame them. The consequences don't bear thinking about.

I've come to the conclusion that asking those kind-hearted well-meaning people to share my views is unreasonable because it would cause them untold amounts of hassle. To me, that is the reason why they ought to take it on, because exposing and rooting this stuff out would benefit everyone. There are only a small number - between five and ten - who are actually behind all the trouble. Kicking them out of everything would solve the problem altogether if all the mods stood together. The trouble is, they won't, mostly because the matter is complicated by the fact that some of them are friendly with the members of that minority. 

So all I really want is to be allowed to have my own stance respected, even if I am the only one who takes it. I'm not going to explain this any further; the people I have issue with have done so far better than I could. 

That is all.

After the fire...

So I'm standing in the smouldering ruins of the relationships I'd sort of formed with two people in the fanfic world, taking stock and seeing what I can salvage from this mess. 

I've learned some very important lessons from this, which I will share in general terms without naming names. 

Lesson one: I've been taught that drama is very common in Fanficland. This is important, because I never saw it as being a common thing. The minute you stand up to be counted in some way, however, such as starting a contest, awards program or archive site, you're going to find yourself in a minefield being sniped at from places you'd never expect. 

What I learned in correspondence lately is that yes, it's common, but you shouldn't take it all that seriously. I'm guilty as charged of taking it seriously. HOWEVER, that's the problem. Where do you draw the line on unacceptable behaviour? Because it doesn't get taken seriously, it doesn't seem to matter what some people do. If there are standards for writing, there should be standards for behaviour. I can't accept that they are separate, as others do. Is that my problem? Well, yes. 

Okay, fine, but coming from my background, letting people bash me because "It's not really bashing, it's something else that's quite harmless," is not on. I used to take it on the chin at work, but that's another story. When you're coming out of an abusive situation, getting into a new one is depressingly common - and often very hard to avoid.

Lesson two: Fighting back is what I've learned to do, but attempting to expose the bullies online often fails. In RL, it works a treat. All I have to do is walk in front of the boss's desk and stand there in silence while t'other one yells at me. End of problem. The reason it fails online is that it's easy to dismiss the printed word. It's harder to dismiss what you can see taking place in front of you.

And when someone's got a blind spot on the issue involved, don't bother to waste your time - just leave it altogether. They won't listen. Any attempts to make them listen are guaranteed to end in disaster.

Lesson three: This is VERY IMPORTANT: when you get a "hater," it's not the end of the world. I thought it was, to be honest, and it used to really bug me. I'm grateful to the sage who taught me that. What it is, there are people who get all emotional and throw a hissy fit, then get over it after a while. I can't be dealing with people like that, so I shut them out because they're trouble and it's hard to tell when they're going to go up like a Roman candle next, or what for. 

BUT they're not as much trouble as I tend to worry they are because their influence only extends so far. Someone well known in the Tolkien fandoms, for example, is likely to be unknown elsewhere. This is WHY it's not that big a deal. Besides, when they do their hysterical "Wendy is EEEEEVILLLLLL!!!!11one!!! eleven!!11!" thing, they may find they're not being taken seriously and may even be told to shut up. That's why most websites and forums have a strict "No drama" rule. Well, I'll be staying out of my usual haunts for a while until this calms down. It will calm down if there's nothing to feed it.  

That's all I have to say about this for the moment, but I AM very grateful to have learned these lessons. Without it, I'd be all stressed out instead of rolling my eyes and moving on.

Rename File

I'm annoyed.

It seems that everything I've said and done to put certain matters straight and to get to the bottom of things has been either twisted out of proportion or misconstrued. It doesn't help matters much when the people I attempt to discuss this with don't accept what I say as it is. 

I pulled a rather sneaky move last night, posting a blog that I knew was being watched, and behold, it blew up in my face. And how!

What I've learned from this is that getting involved with people who are friendly with certain people is ALWAYS going to end in tears. I NEVER have problems with people who are not friendly with those individuals. In fact, we all get along very well.

The bottom line is, it seems that, in certain circles, Wendy-bashing is not bashing and therefore acceptable behaviour. Needless to say, I take exception to that. It's pointless trying to explain it to people who will simply dismiss me when I do, so I don't talk about it, except in very general terms. Every time I have tried to explain it, the events have been trivialized or explained away. I won't bother any more.

The matter of the trolling and stalking has taken a new twist. Quietly informing a nominator that her nominations for certain people have been rejected sent her into a towering rage with a promise to tell everyone everywhere how terrible I am. This, I presume, is to discredit the Golden Quill Awards. Oh, and I'm the bad guy, despite the fact that I've never asked anyone to bombard anyone with my image - or anything else. Oh, and I'm a paranoid drama-monger, among other things. 

Well, I was a bit concerned about the Tolkien fandoms dominating it this year like they did before. Not to worry, MS I Hate Drama is busily sorting that out for me. I suppose I should be grateful.

So I'm looking forward to lots of nominations for Harry Potter, Discworld and the like. 

Bring 'em on!

Turn the other WHAT??!

It's common in Fanficland for mods to look the other way while people are being harassed, as long as it is taking place elsewhere, and not on their particular sites. The idea that this might be WRONG has never occurred to them because one person's harassment is another's banter. Fair dues, I suppose. I tend to see things in black and white, but I don't think anyone is ever defended by encouraging a troll to bombard me with his image (Goatse. Don't ask).

Well I got into a rather heated discussion with someone about it (I was the one who got heated, she was utterly civilized), and to be fair she is a reasonable person, but honestly, I don't think she's able to see my side of the story because she's matey with the people who tried to drive me out of fandom. Anyway, she declares that it actually stops the abuse and puts an end to the argument to let them post on my e-spaces and to let them win prizes on my awards programs. Erm, no. 

I've actually tried all that, you see. When this crap first blew up, I offered the people concerned modship of The X Box, one of my two forums on fanfiction.net. They threw it back in my face, and matters got worse, so I banned them and I've kept them banned since. Therefore, since I know for a fact it doesn't work, I won't be taking that advice, though she means well, to be fair.

It's very common in drama situations to sit quietly and let them behave badly then trot back on a few weeks later acting like nothing happened. That is weird and freaky to me, and I'm having none of it. 

The idea that it's right to reward people who have tried to drive me out of fandom altogether with a nomination for the Golden Quill Awards is ridiculous to me, and I won't do it. As long as I live and breathe, they are not welcome on any of my websites and may not take part in any of my online activities. I think it's unfair to expect me to permit them to do so, quite frankly. I've received their apologies before: they have a "use by" date, don't you know. I think the record for the longest lasting abuser apology is three months. I have established that they are liars, and can justify my stance.

I don't believe it promotes respect on the internet when cyberbullies and abusers are welcomed and garlanded with praise by people who are fully cognizant of what they have done. I DO believe it promotes the kind of bad behaviour I've seen described as "Icky" by giving them NO incentive to stop. 

This is why politicians keep on trying to bring laws in to put a stop to this kind of thing: they can't trust us to do it, can they? Hell, no. I'm as much in favour of freedom of speech as the next person, but that doesn't give anyone a licence to abuse.

Just sayin'.

Cave Doni

So I signed up with a few free websites with a view to installing a fanfiction program. Other people were doing it, why not me? When I went on a certain yahoo group that serves as a forum for one of the contests I take part in, I was brutally reminded of why I wanted to set up my own archiving site - to stop unwanted contact from certain individuals. I PM'ed the mod to explain why I wouldn't be back.

Well I started off with Dreamhost. I asked them for help on a support ticket, then they emailed me on a noreply@ email address to tell me they were shutting down my account for not using it. Woeful!

Then I went to Zymic, which offers the sun, moon and stars for free, then expects you to pay for it. Go to the forums for help and you're told you should be grateful for getting it all for free. Getting what for free? I can't even register my site due to some "rare error." *Eyeroll.* I ditched them, naturally.

Then I went to coffeedesigns.co.cc. They're uncontactable and their so-called forums are pretty much locked, the live chat ain't happening and their support desk is a joke. I'm waiting to find out from a friend if my program works. Getting the skin to obey me was a feat of Herculean proportions. After a week of swearing at the computer and wrangling with the scripts, I finally got it to look halfway decent and functional. I had to work out by myself how to remove unwanted users: go to the PHP section on the CPanel and delete the file from there. I've no intention of alienating my friends and potential posters, but people who behave abusively are not allowed on. If you're willing to work at stuff until you figure it out yourself, go for it. If you want help, you won't get it.

Xtreemhost isn't too bad, but they don't run the efiction program I've been trying to get to work. Going to the forums at efiction is a bit of a nightmare: post in the wrong place and you get hammered by the mod. I  thanked her and bugged out. I'll ask someone else for help with it if I decide to go with it instead of what I've got. 

I've got two fanfiction sites up ATM. The one that works (I think!) is PHP Fanfiction, and it looks pretty good visually. The efiction one is a trainwreck and I need a lot of help with getting it functional. I may end up with an alpha site for the top notch writers and a beta site for the also-rans. I haven't decided yet, but I'm learning a lot, and to be honest I am grateful for the experiences I've had, even though it's been very frustrating. I can use what I've learned for other applications, and that can only be a good thing.